1. Don't be an asshole.- This is the one basic rule of the club. You care about winning and losing? Go join a league. This is sandlot baseball. With talent. Consider us the the team that draws fans every year, and is never close to the pennant. We play for the sheer joy of it. Don't take people out on a slide, that just jeopardizes someone else's chance of playing next week! And yeah, we have suffered a lot of jerks in our time that do care about winning and losing. And you know what? Very few of them still play with us. Cuz they can't turn it off. And some people, I think, are just wired that way. Glad I ain't one of them. So don't argue calls, listen to your teammates and if you get screwed on a call, make it it your mission to get a clean hit, or catch a clean ball, and no one argues with that, do they?
2. Try every position- One thing that always rankled me about the baseball system was that if you looked a certain way, or had a glove on a certain hand, you were relegated to a few positions. What the fuck? Are we in America or not? This is the land of the free, and if you are a left hander, there is no reason that you shouldn't try out at shortstop if you want to.
3. Know your limits- Yes, you were all waiting for it. Left handed shortstop, fine, great, you get the ball to the first baseman .127 seconds slower than usual, not a problem. As long as you can catch ground balls. If you can't, maybe infield isn't your position, regardless of what your Daddy told you. And insisting that you have to play that position is not going to work either. As a pitcher I want guys who can field the ball and make some sort of out 80% of the time. That's not hard, in baseball terms. If you can't do that, maybe your Daddy was wrong about you. It doesn't mean he didn't love you. Unless he didn't. And hey, if that was the case, maybe he sucked at infield too...
You want to pitch, but you need 30 minutes to warm up and them you throw 15 balls in a row, and the strikes you do throw get pulverized to all fields, perhaps your not meant to be on the bump? We are baseball players, not masochists. Your lifelong dream was to play first base for the Giants? Hey, I support that, I would give a kidney to Will Clark too, but if you can't catch a thrown ball on a regular basis, maybe 1st sack isn't where you should insist that you always be.
4. It's a strike, swing- This is one of the hardest things for guys who are new to the club. Because we are all taught to stretch an at bat out for as long as possible, make the pitcher work, etc. And I am all for a good working count. But swing the fucking bat. We are also out here to field hit balls, not watch you lean over the plate, looking at an outside fastball that you could crush to the right field, but you think you might have been a little off balance when you started your swing. If I have learned anything in the 8.4 years I have been playing with the MBC, its that you see that strike, fucking let her rip! As Stan Musial once said to Curt Flood when asked how he hit so consistently, " Well, Curt, [you] get a strike, and you knock the hell out of it."
5. Softball sucks- Do I need to explain this one? I have had a lot fun playing Friday nights with my dad's softball team, and getting drunk in the parking lot afterwards. But compared to baseball....not even close.
6. You fail, you get another chance- I hate video games. I have always told people that instead of being into video games as a youth, I was trying to get laid....in the real world. Say what you will about my successes but its true. And our game is dirt on the uni-, hard scrabble ball. And just like the video games that the kids like to play, we do get another life, cuz even if that motherfucker strikes you out with a curveball, you got another at bat to make him pay. Few things in real life give you that.
7. You suck, welcome to the MBC!- Unlike the teams of our Little League youth, lack of talent is not the curse it used to be. Talent or no, the MBC prides itself on being about the person first, and the ability second. Great guy, but can't throw anymore, welcome aboard! You hit the long ball, but you're a douche bag? Well, we all know you're a dick and humor you, so hopefully your personal records are enough, cuz we don't need you.
8. You suck, but you think that you know everything about the game and you want to tell everyone else what they are doing wrong, because you are really a misunderstood baseball genius and if only some one would appreciate you, you could maximize your own potential. But it's totally someone else's fault if you fuck up.- Don't really need to say anything else here, right?
9. Rain- We play year round, and when we get to the rainy seasons, it really wears on some of us. Sure when the rest of the Northern Hemisphere is coated in snow, we do have the occasional 70 degree game. I think it makes it all the worst when we are strangulated from playing for more than one week. Because let me honest. If I had my choice between Sunday as the day before going back to work, where I had a lovely brunch with people I kinda knew and then found parking and then did all the chores that needed doing, talked about my feelings and got my work week in order, OR pitching 2-0 counts where I needed a nasty paint the black strike, crowding the plate, diving to take a hit away on a flare to right, stealing second and then taking third on a sacrifice bunt, fielding a perfect ground ball and feeding it to second, snatch catching a fly ball in center, or brushing the dirt off after a reckless dive into the bag, I can tell you, it wouldn't be any sort of choice at all.
10. Relax- We are all out here having fun. This is church for us. Instead of guilt and redemption, its close plays at 3rd, change ups on fastball counts, Jameson's and shut outs, Maree-wanna play ball, 3 pitch innings, diving catches, in the parker home runs, stirrups and mud, pine tar, scuffed breaking balls, metal cleats, bunts for base hits and hitting Bob in the ass with a knuckleball. And if those things don't make you smile and believe that we are on this planet for a reason, this is not the game for you.
Don't look back.
S. Paige
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