Non-baseball related post

I just found out that our own Abe Z. got hitched just 8 days after the 2019 double header.  He didn't want to mention it since apparently only baseball-related things are supposed to be discussed on Sunday.  So I am mentioning it for him, next time you see him offer your condelenc....I mean...congratulations.

In honor of this news, let me share some real hacky marriage jokes.  All in good fun, please don't take any of these as endorsement of misogyny or misandry (Pro tip: that's the antonym of misogyny):

Jokes:

Doctor: "Your wife's in hospital."
Me: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Ah, you get used to that..."

Gravely ill, a husband was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do things to ensure his survival: Fix him three healthy meals a day and give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything." The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. "What did the doctor say?" he asked. "I’m sorry, dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."


A couple had just got married. On their way to their  home, the husband said to his new wife “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?” She replied, “I would have married you no matter who had left you a fortune.”


A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer's wife, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave woman."
"Maybe so," she said, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my husband fell out."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

And the master of them all, Rodney Dangerfield:

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.

Welcome to the club, Abe, and it's been great knowing you.....